Punishing Suicide

It has been pointed out that I often wax morose when not just being bitter, so I thought I'd lighten it up with this and then.. well, read on.

Suicide in prison isn't something to joke about. I don't think it ever is… but the way the prison staff handle attempted suicides is DEFINITELY a joke. It's even funny 'ha-ha' but it's that kind of incredulous, 'what-the-fuck' kind of laugh and exasperated gasp.. I'll explain.

I was woken up at about 5.30 in the morning, much earlier than usual. The cop was very insistent that I hurry, and I assumed it was a random urine analysis. They do these a lot in the early morning, trying to catch people off guard. Joke is on them in so many ways...For them inconveniencing me and really for my own sick amusement, I like to top off the cup. I mean really overfill so it goes over the sides. Yeah they're wearing gloves, but I know it's still got to be uncomfortable for them and I read my reward on their face as they hold a full cup between thumb and forefinger.

But I was asking the cop if it was a urine analysis, and he was being very secretive.. I even let it be known that I had to go, and he let me believe it was a urine analysis. He knew it wasn't but undoubtedly didn't want to pass up an opportunity for some amusement at my expense.

So, they bring me up to the Lieutenant's office. It's like going to the principal's office in school, only this person can fuck your life up and, as a rule, does so to thousands of people every year: taking away good time, locking us down and starving us, sending us to violent places like max security prisons for things like having a clothesline or not tucking in your shirt.

I sat outside the office and OUTSIDE in the cold (about 30 degrees) for about 20 minutes, still had to pee, and no-one would talk to me. The cops were pretending not to know why I was there, but it was now obvious it wasn't for a urine analysis.

Finally, I get inside, and the Lieutenant's is questioning me in a droning sort of 'just-got-up' voice that also became obvious that he really didn't care what I said. Do I want to hurt myself? Have I thought about hurting myself? I'm thinking it's funny and I'm wondering if there was training for this and how ineffective it must have been.. This is also the guy who told me only a few weeks prior that he didn't care if I died as long as it wasn't on his shift. I told him I was fine but really had to pee. He didn't seem to want to smile or see anything light in this. I tried to level with him and asked who said I was feeling suicidal. He wouldn't say. Then it became obvious that he couldn't say because he didn't know. "Someone indicated you may have mentioned hurting yourself.." was the best I could get. According to this guy, someone at the front office (a mythical land like Avalon). No one seems to be able to tell you where it is or who is there or what is being done, but I suspect it's somewhere for them to pass the buck knowing we can't get there) received a call. That is all he knew or all he would tell me.

You're expecting that I get some care and help now, right? In the same way that someone out there would be treated, alas. If you're not suicidal before this, you may be after!

So, they put me in a cell there in the Lieutenant's office and strip searched me, took my belt and my shoelaces, and told me not to try to hurt myself or masturbate. When the door closed, I was STILL stunned by that last command. "Did he mean neither, or just not both at the same time?" I don't think I've needed to be told not to masturbate... ever. Or at least not since I was a teenager! You get this, right? It means it's happened. They wouldn't have needed to say that if it weren't for it happening, and often enough for it to be something up there with "don't hurt yourself, don't kick the door, etc...."

But my relief was palpable with the toilet and with no belt to slow me down, I unleashed and maybe broke some records both personal and Guinness. Then... of COURSE the toilet doesn't flush. This is the same cell they put people in that they suspect of "hooping"("putting in the prison pocket/ the vault/where the sun don't shine”) some kind of contraband (drugs, weapons, tattoo motors, cell phones, etc.... I never did any of these or anything, but I always thought it would be funny to have something mundane up there like a comb or your ChapStick. Just so that when they X-ray us, it shows and it's nothing I'm not allowed to have. I wonder if I'd get in trouble. "That's where I keep my wallet!").

Anyway, the toilet doesn't flush and its FULL. So, I'm stuck there with that to make the situation more agreeable.

There is a guard standing at the door in profile so he can see everything I do. I asked him if he could flush the toilet for me and he said he can't. I didn't want to fuck with him too much because I'm told were waiting for the Psychologist to make a professional opinion about my mental state and anything I say will almost certainly be used to show I'm belligerent or worked up. I was going over in my head how not to seem suicidal or depressed or anything other than manically happy and ready to live damn it, LIVE! But then I was thinking I may seem like I was too happy, indicating a bipolar/manic episode. I'm none of these, but they throw around diagnoses like frisbees on the beach and I may have been more frazzled by just waking up and attempting to seem happier than I am.

There is a famous set of studies where some psychology students check themselves into a mental institution just to see what it's like, lying about hearing voices and all. They have a hell of a time getting out, taking months for some if I'm remembering right. I was thinking of this. Psychology actually teaches us that we can find what we look for including psychological maladies so that is making me nervous which is probably good for at least another diagnosis of paranoia and general anxiety. I've been in a better state.

So, the psychologist showed up an hour or so later and the first thing she did was wrinkle her nose, then ask the cop to flush the toilet. I had gotten used to it. He did it because of COURSE he could have the whole time. Maybe he thought it was funny or maybe he thought it was my ploy to get him to turn his back for a few seconds so I could just slash my veins open with the knife I had hidden in the prison pocket? I don't know. Probably the former. She talked to me and was pleasant, but also writing on a clipboard (paranoia and anxiety and just suspicion). She told me after a few minutes that she'd put that I wasn't suicidal at this time. That means that in my permanent medical record, I was at one brief moment, suicidal but that I got out of it thanks to diligent staff and their efforts at the BOP. Not that I was never suicidal and never did find out why I was put there.

I knew that if I had been kept there, it would be the same treatment for days: maybe even weeks? I've never known anyone to last past a few days of them "punishing the suicide right out of you". From what I understand though, you're in that same cell I mentioned in the Lieutenant's office and there is a cop there that watches you 24/7 and takes notes in some log every 15 minutes. You have no books, no paper, no pencil, no one to talk to. Nothing. I don't know if you get mail. Probably not. You definitely get no store and no anything. And just to be clear, no store means you are enduring no additional food, no over the counter medicine, no hygiene products. You'd be lucky to have clothes and not just the "suicide blanket", which is this thick blanket/smock. It's only about 4ft long so why they call it a blanket is anyone's guess. How this treatment actually helps people who are genuinely suicidal, I know not. I just knew I may end up being actually suicidal if I had to stay there.

As to why I was there in the first place, I'm still not sure. My aunt was calling the prison on behalf of the law firm she worked with to ask about why I wasn't receiving medical care for a terrible case of carpal tunnel syndrome (which, almost 2 years later, still plagues me. I've been waiting for surgery for about 6 months at this point) and I suspect it had something to do with that. But if they know, they're not telling me.

Can you imagine though... what if I was suicidal? Is there anything in this treatment that seems properly compassionate or caring or anything other than sadistic? I learned later that they really resent suicide threats because they have to assign one officer per inmate, meaning it's much less cost efficient. Is it really only that? Probably.

I'm sure you can imagine this situation of being punished for having mental health issues would only exacerbate the problem. And maybe next time, if the person were suicidal they'd know that help is not on the way. What do you suppose this treatment would encourage? Could this have something to do with the high suicide rates in prisons and jails? Can you imagine this making anyone better? Are you doing that incredulous laugh of outrage? See, you get it. It's funny. In a really messed up kind of way.