Prison Nicknames

At some point, people started ignoring the rule that we can’t give ourselves nicknames. This grand tradition goes back to the Romans who earned them with great deeds like Scipio Africanus or Pompey the Great. They were those based on physical traits like Strabo(cross-eyed) or even Caesar whose hair did not live up to his cognomen meaning "a good head of hair". There was even those based on character traits like Agelastus(Smiley) or Sesquiculus... look it up. You’ll laugh. How do you earn THAT one?!

There were even some cultures who saw the earned nickname as more important than the name you were given. That was only for close family who remembered you before you were innocent and still thought to be a nice person. I’m referring to guys like Pompeius Magnus who had a name when he was younger: Butcher Boy. You earn that one.

I’d guess the convict’s name game is something like this. No one but close family and loved one’s call me my real name. Everyone knows me as Scourge or Crowclaw or, in some circles, Hollywood. I earned all these, but I won’t go into that now.

Really there is a practical reason for not having one's legal name bandied about when you’re doing capers all the time. It may take weeks to find "Mad dog" when Jacob DiMarzio is found in a few hours. As I think of it, this may even explain why there are so many gangster types with the same goddamn name! I’ve been in units with several "Puppet’s, 2 "Murder’s... you get it. THIs could get confusing for everyone, but it does muddy the waters if the cops start asking questions.

But because we were never allowed to give ourselves a nickname, you had all kinds of wild ones like "Dogmeat", "Junkyard", "Yellow Tom"(Hep C is a bitch)... these have got character, right?! You start catching on when you’re introduced to your 5th "killer" of the week that the grand tradition has died, and people are just calling themselves whatever the hell they think sounds tough.

I get it. Coming into a new cellblock is as nerve-wracking as getting to a new school. Your whole reputation could hinge upon that first intro and "Gary" just isn’t going to set the right tone. So, you give a firm handshake and tell them “They call me 'Hammer'." and hope no one ever finds out you’re here for mail fraud or conspiracy to jaywalk.

I know I may be just cynical and suspicious, but I just find it very hard to believe there was a group of guys hanging out and they just unanimously agreed "you are so COOL! We’re going to call you that from now on. Cool!" AM I missing something?

I thought it would be wise to avoid the observation of certain races to prefer some different types of names. I’m sure you know it’s an emotionally charged time and pointing out any tendency of any one race to do anything is our generation's version of waving a confederate flag in front of a courthouse. That... actually is still happening. But the point is I think there are delicate ways to show these things like... well, pointing out the names and letting you decide which race tends to these. This way if ANYONE is racist, it’s you not me. It’s far too funny to point out that one group likes to name each other Sleepy and Dopey and... really all the dwarves. But also, typical adjectives for vices like Greedy or Envious. They also like clowns. It’s a weird fixation, but there it is.

Also, there is a group that tends to name after guns or pretty much any adjective that would work for a menthol cigarette or a deodorant: Smooth, Cool, and Fresh are pretty common. Funny enough, Smooth is about 10 feet away from me and Cool is his cellmate.

I wonder if you can figure out which group likes too many syllables in their nicknames. Guys like Mechanic and Wolverine... ITs just too long! If rule #1 is "no giving yourself a nickname" rule #2 has to be "it’s got to be catchy". And who ever called someone "Infamous" as a name. I met him and you know what I called him? Tweety. And THAT is how you get a nickname.

There also must be a "Prison Nicknames for Dummies" book floating around that tells them to just add "Dog" or "Pac" or "Mack" after their first initial because those are EVERYWHERE. Try it. Introduce yourself at the office as D-Mack! That is tough!

I’m all for nicknames. They give you an insight into the person and their past that is second only to a good old face tattoo. Or they used to be. Once upon a time a name like "Ice Pick" meant something. Now it’s just their favorite method of dispatching an enemy on GTA.

You know who you really have to watch out for? Steve. Spencer. Peter. I know a guy who decapitated two people. HIs name is Ray.

So, I’ll wrap up here by saying that if they’re not following the rules anymore, then neither am I.

Signed,

Tiger Dragon-Slayer